It's been 4 years today since Mazie went to be with Jesus.
4 years filled with desperate hope of Heaven, peace and healing from Him alone. We miss our beautiful girl so much.

Mazie Leah on one of our many walks - June 2020
This year I struggle to find the words because the pain and ptsd have been too much. That's why I haven't blogged in a while, although I've wanted to and it does offer healing each time I go to "journal". The past few months have taken a toll on me and depression sat in for the first time since losing our baby girl. Grief is different for everyone and some may have expected it sooner. With a traumatic loss, the onset hits much later. Like I have said before, we were numb and in shock for the longest time then crippled by ptsd. With big life events that followed, I didn't really start grieving until last year. So here I am speaking from a raw, vulnerable place pleading for continued prayers for us. It's tough to make decisions that give us peace for our family, especially the boys because they have been impacted in such a big way by all of this too. Me and Myles have been back in counseling as he struggles as much as I do emotionally with it all. We are hopeful that by surrendering everything to the Lord, we'll have joy, true contentment and healing again one day soon. While I have almost given up several times, He and those closest to us don't give up on us. So very grateful.

October 2019
On this day, all we long to do is hold our Mazie and just be her parents. So this serves as an outlet and way to do that. We feel her with us every day but sometimes we have to carve out space to be extra intentional to parent her here on Earth when life can tend to pull us in other directions. Like most significant days, we will often go visit St. John's and this is where I write Mazie letters. I talk to her and God every day but this place is so sacred.
Often and especially lately, I have asked Him to give us signs Mazie is with us. We've seen countless butterflies every where we go. And I still love when family and friends share pictures when they do too and think of our girl. Three weeks ago, after one of the worst in a while, I prayed and asked God to help us dream about Mazie. I don't understand dreams because the people (like Mazie) and things we think about often seem to not be what I end up dreaming about (when I sleep that is). It's usually random but that night I had a vivid, long and detailed dream about Mazie being back with us. She was around 5, the age she would be now. She still had medium brown hair and it was still fine but a good bit longer down her back with a bit of a wave. Thinking about it again now, my goodness she is breathtaking. Her and Gabby played so well together. I could see how they would adore each other. It was a normal day at home, all of us as a family, which is what we ache for the most. Not much happened and I didn't want to wake up, hoping to go back to sleep to continue it and to be real.

Visit to Shreveport - Sept. 2020
It's still hard to believe this is our reality. That we are to continue on with half of our hearts up in Heaven. If it weren't for our faith, I certainly wouldn't be here and we wouldn't have the foundation we do. God has kept us together and continues to give us strength. Our love for Mazie gives us inspiration and encouragement to keep going. So today I thank Him for allowing us to be her parents and to give our sweet girl the biggest hug for us.

Dear Mazie boo,
You are immeasurably loved and missed our angel daughter. It's hard to believe we last got to hold you 4 years ago and Jesus has been holding you, and longer than we got to here. 18 months wasn't nearly long enough to make memories with you but we are beyond thankful for every second that we cherish to this day. What an honor it is to be your parents, Mazie girl.
Your brothers think of you and talk about you all the time. You would be so proud of them. Latson grieves in his own way and I know you have everything to do with making him strong. I think you look the most like him. One of his favorite memories is the nights we would be watching a movie and he'd share his popcorn with you. And oh sweet Myles. He feels and grieves so big. He still has lots of tough questions and was so young when you went to Heaven. But oh how he misses you. One of his favorite memories is going to the pumpkin patch with you. That's what we did yesterday at this local farm because we know you would have loved to do that this year again. And oh the fun you would have.
And then there is your little sister, Gabby, who also talks about you daily. We make sure she knows all about her amazing big sissy. You two are very different yet are two incredibly special daughters of ours. She has hit milestones we missed with you and that's super bittersweet. I know you both would be close and inseparable.
Me and daddy want to make you proud too. We are soon meeting with a State Representative to talk about water safety efforts here. That's never easy to do but know you would want us to keep up educating others and spreading awareness, now hopefully statewide. There are signs in many parks and soon to be several neighborhoods. It's so neat to hear from friends who see them and think of you. All we hope to do is share about your precious little life every chance we get.
We can't believe you are 5. This year you would have likely started kindergarten. Do you go to school in Heaven? Who is your teacher? Aunt Jess would make a great one! I bet she sings to you all of the time. It gives me such comfort to know you are with her and Jesus. What else would you be doing right now? Would you like gymnastics, be in dancing or play t-ball? Would you have lots of friends? Would you be girly and twirl in princess dresses? Or be a tom girl and enjoy playing in the dirt outside? We are left to wonder all these things and more about you. We find ourselves asking out loud what we think you would look like. It was so sweet to get that glimpse in a dream. You are just as beautiful as ever! Please keep meeting us there, and all of us because we so long to dream of you.
You deserve to be remembered in every possible way, Mazie girl. Give us the words when we need them and may your bright light shine through us all. Jesus, please wrap your arms around her today and look over us until we're with you both again.
We love you Mazie Leah. Always and forever.
Love,
Mommy

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