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Another Difficult Goodbye

Adam and I have moved a total of four times, well five if you count into our rental a few months ago. We owned a home in Tomball, TX then sold to move to Bossier City, LA (close to my hometown) then on to Youngsville (just outside of Lafayette), where we’ve lived for 10 years and have now bought/sold two homes here.

Today though, is by far the most emotional closing we will likely ever experience as we said “goodbye” to the home we brought Mazie to as a baby and where most of our cherished moments as a family have been shared.

Mazie's Newborn Session - May 2019

It doesn’t matter how many times we’ve moved before. One thing I have realized with a sudden, tragic loss is that you are never prepared for anything and especially to come to an end. And it doesn’t help the process dragged out for several months with three offers that fell through. Each time we prayed intentionally for these buyers to be the right family and had peace that quickly vanished when they backed out. It left more time to question if we were doing the right thing.

With the trauma of Mazie’s passing, we agreed as a family we couldn’t bear the thought of enjoying, let alone spending time in the backyard again. Even cutting the grass and maintaining the pool has been super hard for us. We also knew it would be best for the boys to have an actual backyard to run around and play in since they both love football and baseball so much. After many prayers, we decided to put our home on the market.

After Mazie's 1st Birthday Session - April 2020

Prior to moving, I could not get motivated to start packing. I think I knew how tough it would be pack up Mazie’s things. One of my angel friends, precious Donna, didn’t just offer to help but simply showed up and insisted on getting it done so together we tackled Mazie’s room. Oh and she’s the best organizer ever. I am forever grateful to her!

It took 2-3 days to move the majority of everything. We still had items left in the inside refrigerator and another friend of mine, sweet Danielle, asked that I get her some of my breast milk I had frozen so she could have a jewelry keepsake made. When I walked in and saw how bare the house was, I lost it. All I could do was sit on the floor and cry. These are the floors Mazie (and Myles too) crawled on, played on and first learned to sit. Although we will hold on to every memory for a lifetime, it feels like this home is a significant attachment to her - the very place we watched our children grow and experienced our own spiritual growth.

"Thrifty" Growth Chart on the Living Room Doorway

Now three months later, as we give the keys to another family to make memories in our home, I’m struggling to let go. Earlier this week, I dedicated a morning mowing the yard (the PTSD therapy has helped immensely to do this) and cleaning inside one last time. I sat in Mazie’s room journaling and remembering many details. Last fall, Adam made a custom wall piece with her name on it that hung above her crib. That was the final touch on her room. She was supposed to learn how to walk here, play with a kitchen and tea set here, read many more books here, wear the countless clothes we had generously been given (many that she never got a chance to) and one day pick out her own décor.

As I looked around her empty nursery, I thought that it still doesn’t feel real she’s gone. And honestly, I never want it to.

Not long after our home went up for sale, a friend and neighbor informed us that a home had just listed for rent a street over so we jumped on it. All houses, including rentals, are scarce in this area so we felt this was one of God’s blessings. It has been the easiest transition for the boys since their friends are even closer, it’s not another major change and their schools will stay the same. We are continuing to pray about where God will lead us to next but for now we are trusting Him, staying still and in a comfortable position so that we aren’t rushing or settling. After all, nothing physical is going to “fix” this.

Please keep lifting us up in prayer as we end this chapter yet have the most special story to share because God gifted us with such a beautiful baby girl. We love you Mazie boo.

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