5 Years of Missing You

Today marks 5 long years since we got to see and hold our baby girl. How we long and miss you so much, Mazie girl. How can it feel like yesterday and ages ago all it once? You are truly in everything we do, weaved into each activity, moment, memory, thought and dream. What a perfect gift God gave us complete with the most joyful spirit, beautiful hazel eyes, sweetest smile and face, silky brown hair and softest skin. We treasure in our hearts every single detail of you Mazie Leah.

We look for you everywhere we go, asking God to give us signs as often as possible and to see you in our dreams. Seeing butterflies of course makes us think of you. It’s incredibly heart warming when others that know and love you share they saw a butterfly or rainbow and remember you. That never gets old or anytime mentions your name or anything that reminds them of you. While we anticipate the day of our homecoming with you in Heaven, we so desperately keep your legacy and memory alive here. When we do things with others, like on holidays or vacations, you are a part of it all and we make sure to include you in a special way. Truly, NOTHING is the same without you Mazie boo.

Mom, dad, Latson, Myles and even Gabby wonder all the time what you would look like right now. Oh, the agony of the wonder. Would you look the same but just taller? How long is your hair and is it still curly in the back? Would you be talking up a storm? I would do anything to hear the sound of your voice, absolutely ANYTHING. How would you like school as a first grader? Would you be social and outgoing like Myles and Gabby or more shy like Latson? Would you be playing sports or into dancing and Barbies? Gabby would LOVE to play with you. She talks about you all the time too. She knows you’re an angel and I believe shares a special connection to you too. One day, I’m sure she’ll ask all the hard questions. I’m not ready for that but in the meantime, we show her pictures and videos of you. I love that she knows you are her big sissy.

It’s so hard to believe you would be 6 ½ years old as you will always be our nearly 18-month-old baby girl. What an innocent, little life you had. You weren’t here long enough and we will forever wish for more memories. It’s just not fair. We should be picking out your next Halloween costume. Maybe you’d be a butterfly or unciform princess like your little sister. Halloween was the first holiday that felt like a gut punch right after you went to Heaven. That year you and your brothers were all going to dress up as dinosaurs and we had already gotten your costume. You not ever getting to wear it again and missing out on traditions, milestones and this life that trudges forward is just not fair. We should be bringing you and picking you up from school just like your siblings. I can’t imagine a school year starting without grieving that you should be entering a new grade too. Once this painful month comes then the holidays, it still feels like a roller coaster of emotions that we invite God to heal us from. So many we and what should be's. We miss you so much it truly hurts.

While we yearn for you and can't wait to hold you again, we are thankful for every moment we treasure in our hearts. Every detail that reminds us of you is cherished from our many walks, listening to Jesus Loves Me on repeat, you singing while you ate, going outside no matter how warm it was to soothe your colic, your baptism and going to church as a family, your intimate first birthday as a family, traveling to visit grandparents, our only holidays and the sacred time spent together through the pandemic was the biggest blessing. We are grateful to God for your precious little life and making us your parents that are forever devoted to loving and honoring you. Your proud brothers make sure to share about you every time they get a chance too.

You inspire us in so many ways. I’ll never ever forget the revelation you and God gave me the day of the service. I believe with all of my heart that just like the meaning of your name, you are a Child of Light. You are a ray of sunshine that guides us in sharing our testimony and ultimately leading others to Jesus. Nothing else matters. We can’t take anything with us to Heaven other than God’s children. As we continue to heal and navigate this grief journey, our hope is that God uses us to be sources of YOUR light to disciple others. As our grief allows, we keep raising awareness on water safety and know that you are helping others with every sign that is installed and story shared.

You would be so proud of your daddy. While we all have grown in our faith, he has embraced his role as the spiritual leader of our home. He has joined a men’s discipleship group, committing to reading the Bible daily and getting more involved in church. It has been a blessing to witness the fruits of his obedience and willingness to lean into Jesus. There is so much redemption throughout our story. God’s grace has been evident in our lives and so is that grace that is embedded within your daddy. Your brothers are quick to go to church with us and His goodness shows up in them every single day in how they love, share kindness and grace. It may not be perfect in these adolescent years but I know you inspire them too. Mama is certainly a work in progress. Since my moment of surrender and almost giving up, I have been asking God to guide me in my healing. I’ll never be who I was before 10/20/2020. That day and the ones that followed forever changed me. While I find joy in the most simple yet meaningful moments, living in that joy is impossible to do without the Lord. There is this permanent, empty place in my heart that is void without one of my best girls physically here with us. When you carry and have a child you prayed for before they were born, it’s an attachment and bond like no other. That NEVER goes away. Time or nothing else interferes with that.

Mazie, we will continue to remember and love you intentionally until the day we get to see and hold you again in Heaven. Today, we are spending it writing you love notes and honoring you in special ways. You deserve it baby girl. You have left such an impact for those who cherish you. Meet us in our dreams Mazie boo. We love you to Heaven and back.

Love,

Mama, dada, your bubbas and little sister