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Grief + Joy

Scripture has become more powerful to me than ever and I absolutely love, believe and live by this Bible verse.

Often I reflect back to the afternoon following Mazie’s service on October 28, 2020. I will never forget the revelation made so perfectly clear by the Holy Spirit (reference our story for the details) – that a significant part of Mazie’s purpose was for us both to glorify and lead others to God. From that awakening moment to today, I realize that this past year would look so much differently if I hadn’t surrendered completely to Him and His guidance. This goes for Adam too, us as a couple and as a family.

For the first few months after Mazie went to Heaven was honestly a blur. Looking back, I can remember certain things but have no idea how I even functioned. The shock drove me day by day. Then slowly, that shock turned into the immense grief that set in and took over as the driving force into every little thing that began to consume me. During grief counseling that started immediately that November, I wasn’t in a place to begin processing the painful reality of our loss. During that time, I was haunted by the trauma and then started the PTSD therapy that January. Thank you God for leading me to that amazing therapist who has been such an instrumental part of my healing! (Yes, I have mentioned all of this before but it’s such a crucial element as to where we are today.)

Family/maternity pictures taken by Catherine Walker

Jesus revealed himself and met me in every dark moment, which led to miraculous breakthroughs. His presence gave me peace, comfort, hope and strength I so desperately needed. I wasn’t capable of finding this on my own through anything or anyone. I was too lost and heartbroken. Little by little, He mended pieces of my heart that allowed just enough light to come in and guide not only me, but my family to restoration.

As I have claimed before in a previous blog, God opened us up to the hopeful promise of extending more love that we still had to give. By remaining steadfast in our faith, by turning to Him and by being obedient, our prayers were answered with another beautiful blessing on April 12, 2022. Gabrielle Faith was born the same month as her big sister, Mazie, and almost just as small at 5 lbs 9 oz long.

Our rainbow baby, proof of God's miracles

While Gabby was and is absolutely perfect, I had a major scare just a few hours after delivery. Later that afternoon, I started experiencing pain in my lower back that I knew wasn’t normal and only got worse. It was so bad that I couldn’t help but cry when letting the nurses know something was wrong. I tried so hard to keep it together since the boys had just gotten to the hospital and were in the room with us.

My doctor initially thought it must have been a kidney stone, which I never had before but is apparently common post-partum. He suggested a MRI but it revealed there was no stone. Meanwhile, my blood pressure kept dropping (between 60-70 I think) and I could feel it. I became lightheaded and was burning up. They were all alarmed and started drawing blood. Once they realized my hemoglobin also dropped dangerously (normal range is 12 and mine lowered to below 7), the nurses and doctor became paranoid (with us). Luckily my doctor called his son, who is a Urologist, and he suggested another MRI with contrast.

On the way to have the 2nd scan done, I was so out of it but as they wheeled me down the hallway, I remember thinking this is it. I’m about to join Mazie in Heaven. I was fading. Right away, they noticed on the MRI that I had a hematoma and because of my low hemoglobin levels, I had to go to the ICU and get 2 units of blood. I spent 2 days in the ICU before seeing the Radiologist. He confirmed that I had a severe postpartum hemorrhage from a ruptured uterine artery (here’s a link that explains more for anyone interested ). He immediately rushed me to have 2 more blood transfusions then another MRI with contrast followed by a procedure to stop the internal bleed. That morning was so scary!

Praise God the procedure was successful. I had to stay at the hospital another 2 days and had 2 more transfusions before discharging. Fortunately by that Tuesday, my blood levels were close to normal. I wanted to share these details for a few reasons. First, I am so SO grateful for an amazing doctor with wonderful instincts who was persistent in finding out what was wrong. He may have had the most deliveries out of any OB/GYN in Lafayette and had never seen this happen before. I thank God for watching over me, over my doctor, the nurses, ultrasound techs and Radiologist who all saved my life!

The hospital doesn’t experience cases like this when the mother ends up ICU after delivery. I was determined to keep nursing Mazie and after some persuasion from our Pediatrician, the staff continued to let Adam bring Gabby a few floors up every hours to feed her. It is such a blessing that I could be at the same hospital with her and to keep nursing her through all of that and to this day. l I also want to encourage moms who have a birth plan, only to have the unexpected interfere. I have realized with different births each time, there is no planning a human can do. We have to place every detail in God’s hands. This time, I wanted to involve a doula and didn’t want an epidural. God knew this was best since it may have disguised the pain. In the end, all that matters is that mama and baby are healthy.

Myles (6), Latson (10)

& Gabby (4 weeks)

Gabby is now almost 2 months old. It’s been a whirlwind ever since she was born and our emotions have been all over the place. From the instant God gifted her to us, we immediately felt Mazie’s sweet spirit and saw her in Gabby. They look just alike! We miss Mazie so much and she reminds us to not take a single second for granted. While we are grieving her, we also have this beautiful JOY in this miracle from God. We now understand that both grief and joy can coexist. We praise HIM for making beauty from ashes. AMEN.

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1 komentarz

Mindy DeBarge
Mindy DeBarge
11 cze 2022

❤️You (and God) are AMAZING. Thank you for continuing to be vulnerable and sharing so much of yourself with us. You are helping countless people in more ways than you will ever know. Big love for you and your precious family❤️

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